Just thinking about things

I just realized that today is two years to the day since Erich proposed to me.

These past two years have been crazy and turbulent and exciting and terrifying, great and terrible, painful and heartwarming.

Life has changed so much,even in the past couple of months. I cannot believe how fast 2012 has flown by. I was right in my prediction that due to crappy NYE, the year itself would be a good one.

I'll try to do a quick recap:
I finally, FINALLY passed Math 990. Long story there, between various breakups and injuries, it took me 3 tries. I now only have 3 prereqs left. WOO!

I lived with Jeff, Matt and Carlos for a year. Those boys became brothers to me. As did Matt's brother Cody, their friends Colby and Bubba, and Jeff's friends Derek and Alec. Though I knew Alec before Jeff did. The last night we had in that house, I cried so hard.

In March, I went out with an old friend, Arielle, one night. Little did I know that night would prove to change my life forever. She introduced me to her godbrother, Rob. Fast forward a month, and we were head over heels for each other.

The thing with Rob though, is that as crazy as we were about each other, he's got some severe issues. I didn't recognize them at first. He is in the National Guard and has been deployed twice...leading to severe PTSD. He has also struggled with drug addiction in the past.
Beyond that though, he was a really good guy. We got along spectacularly well in most aspects. I became really good friends with most of his friends. But after a few months, it was obvious that something just wasn't working. We decided to take a break.
I really think he thought that I would wait around for him forever. He didn't know what he wanted when we first split, and I think he figured out really quickly that he wanted me in his life forever. But his mistake? Not telling me this, and acting so cold towards me that I thought he was over it completely.
Then I went to a bbq at one of his friend's houses. Long story short, I had always gotten along with Alec well, and had realized in the few post-Rob weeks that I may even have a bit of a crush on him. Turns out these feelings were very mutual. Alec and I have now been dating for a little over a month, and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Rob isn't taking it so well, but oh well he'll get over it. I guess he told Alec that letting me go was one of the biggest mistakes he's ever made, and that if I want him, never let me go.

Alec is making me realize there are good guys left. He is so fantastic. He's quiet and reserved,but has this incredible sense of humor. Being with him is so easy and natural. My parents adore him. He is so good to me. I don't even really know what else to say about him other than that I am very, very happy and excited to see where this goes.

Two more months of 2012. Hopefully they're good ones :)

2011/2012

I am really hoping 2012 turns out to be a better year than 2011. Between splitting with Erich, my mother's cancer coming back and shattering my ankle, 2011 really kind of blew for me. And fittingly, New Years Eve really sucked too. BUT. The last time I had a really bad NYE, the next year (2009) ended up being one of the best of my life. And all the goodness was rolling in by February, and it just kept getting better. Hoping that happens again!
I'm trying to stay optimistic even though I've been pretty blue lately. So, here are some highs from the year:
Keeping straight A's, ending up on the Dean's List

Discovering that I really love to crochet

Finding out that I am far more independent than I ever thought I could be.

Inadvertently losing the weight I apparently gained while with Erich (between the breakup diet and being on crutches for 8 weeks, those pounds pretty much just fell off), and feeling much more like me in my own skin again

Becoming MUCH closer to my family--and hey, go figure, they rock!

Moving into a house with three random dudes I didn't know--this turned out to be one of the best things this year. Carlos, Jeff and Matt (and Cody, Matt's brother, and Ariel, his girlfriend) have become family to me. I don't know how I lucked out with our living situation. Plus, they let me keep my cats...I let Erich keep our dog, I don't know what I would have done if I'd had to give my cats up as well.

Figuring out who my real, true, close friends are. Not that they read this, but Ariel (not the one I just mentioned) and Shandi, holy crap ladies. I don't know what I'd do without you. Not to mention Alex, Cami, Nick, Ben, Kelly, and a bunch of others.

Reconnecting with all these friends from when I was 10, 11, 12 years old..who all grew up into these really awesome people!

I also met a ton of really cool people this year.

And, because I am me, the Jen Bloopers of the Year:
Shattering my ankle while getting out of a car really takes the cake

But falling out of a chair while flirting with a boy isn't that far behind

Nor was breaking my glasses in half at a music festival, and having to call my dad to take me to get contacts because I very literally cannot see anything without vision correction (though this one I can partially blame on Erich, since we were play wrestling when they flew off)

There were several others, but I can't remember them right now. Those are the first ones off the top of my head.

I'd like to say the good outweighs the bad this year, but honestly, it just doesn't. I have a shattered ankle and shattered heart on the mend. Both are steadily getting stronger, but not done healing yet.  Both will take time. And frankly, I have a really simple resolution this year: let myself heal. I'm not going to try to change anything about myself, or say I'm going to start something new, I just want to let myself heal completely.
Here's hoping 2012 has some good surprises in store for me.

I have no idea if anyone reads this.
Just in case anyone actually does, I figured I'd update for the first time in probably six months.
Breaking up with Erich was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. It's been six months  since we split, and I still miss him like crazy. It's hard to describe though, it's a combination of things I miss. It's not exactly him as a person I miss (I mean, I still see him pretty frequently), it's more having a partner who knows me so incredibly well and is so in tune with me that I miss.
That being said, splitting up with him has turned out to be one of the best things to happen to me.
Don't get me wrong, I think Erich is an incredible guy. I have so much love in my heart for him, and I know I always will. But what I didn't realize when I was with him, and engaged to him, was that I was living my life for him, and not for me. I lost so much of myself that I wasn't Jen's Jen. I was Erich's Jen. And being forced to learn to be Jen's Jen has been terrifying and heartbreaking yet wonderful and exhilarating all at the same time. I'm more independent than I've ever been, and (especially after shattering my ankle and being forced to pretty much sit on the couch for six weeks...that was some good thinkin time!) happier than I've ever been.

Erich and I were not ready to get married. Obviously. I think we were both so excited at the fact that we really did love each other, that we kind of threw caution to the wind and went full-steam ahead, even though neither of us were ready. We got engaged way too fast. It hit me a while ago that I was Erich's first real relationship, and I personally think he needs to see what else is out there before he settles down. I've dated quite a bit and have a pretty good idea of what I want. And frankly, Erich has many of the qualities I want in a guy. And who knows, maybe God will work his funny ways and get us back together at some point. Maybe he won't. I'm definitely not sitting around pining for Erich, but I'm also not throwing myself at every guy that smiles at me. I just don't know what the future holds. And that's why I'm having so much fun with life right now. Life is too short to sit around being sad. Erich and I are still friends, we have "joint custody" of our dog, Vida, and I'd do anything for him. He's an amazing guy, still knows me better than just about anyone, and I truly wish him all the happiness in the world.

Oh, life

For anyone who doesn't know (not that I think anyone actually reads this thing), Erich and I split up two weeks ago.

I know it probably seemed really sudden, but it really wasn't. We had been having some difficulties for about a month, and we slowly realized that as much as we do really love each other, we just aren't right for each other. It just wasn't working.

We are still very close friends. I think the more time that goes by, we will realize that we are much better as friends than anything more. We are both obviously sad (well, heartbroken..), but it's almost like the pressure on our relationship has been taken off.

It's a huge life change for the both of us. We are both moving to Salt Lake pretty soon, and I am excited to see how our friendship evolves. I feel very lucky that as hard as this split is, he remains my closest friend.

Summer!

One of these days, I will learn how to take pictures and post them on this thing.

Spring semester is officially over, I had my last final last Tuesday (the 3rd). I've had eleven awesome days of no school stress...but that will all end Monday. I have a feeling I'm going to regret not giving myself a summer with no school, but I have SO many classes I have to take before I can even apply to Nursing school...I'll never get them done if I don't take summer classes.

At least my final grades were two A's and one A-. YAAAAY! My GPA is higher than it ever was in high school. Hah. 

It looks like Erich and I will be moving back to Salt Lake very shortly, and will be living with two of our closest friends. In all honesty, I'd rather it just be Erich and I, I love living alone with him, but Alex and Matone are like family to us. Erich used to live with both of them, in the first year or so that we were dating, so we know it will work out. I just cannot wait to not have a commute to work/school. 

I deleted my Facebook. Actually, I just deactivated it, but I don't see myself "reactivating" it for a long time. I decided I was way too much of a slave to the internet and needed a break. I deleted it last Friday, and it has been really nice not wondering what's going on in the Facebook world. I mean, I have this thing called a phone that I can use to keep in touch with people also..

It seems like all of my friends and family members are pregnant, and frankly its killing me. I would LOVE to have children (at least one) like...right now, but that is just not in the cards for us. For one, we aren't even married yet,  I am in school and work full time, and soon Erich will join me on that. I just wish Erich and I could get married soon. Tomorrow preferably. 

Anyway. This has basically been me rambling the whole time. I have no idea if anyone even reads this...kudos to you if you did. 

Pooped

I don't like to be a whiner, but man I am kinda losing it lately.
It has been a super rough few weeks for my family (made even harder by the fact that they are in Florida and I can't really do much from here), and I am just exhausted all the time. Not good when I have finals coming up VERY soon and am a lot farther behind in school than I'll admit to myself. I'm hoping I can get caught up this weekend but that involves me not napping the entire weekend.
Not to mention my wallet was stolen on Saturday (well, I actually lost it, apparently it fell out of my car when I dropped a friend off at home, but then someone picked it up and decided to use it) and I'm all discombobulated because of that. I have to call my bank first thing in the morning because someone went crazy using the credit card that was supposedly cancelled...and now I'm freaking out about the possibility of identity theft.
But at least I have a nice warm house, some very affectionate pets, a stable job, a car that is paid off, great friends and family and an awesome guy who loves me.
Trying to look on the bright side of things!

Clocks are tickin

I'm trying to convince Erich we should just elope, and then have some huge party (or several smaller parties) for our families. Mainly cause I am just sick of having to tell people, "No, no date set yet....waiting on several factors." And well, I really want to be married to him.
I mean, in all honesty, the ONLY thing we are waiting on at this point is for my mother to be accepting of the idea of me being married. Erich's family is very supportive, my dad and his family are all very supportive as well...it's just my mom who seems to think that if we get married now, we'll be divorced in a few years.
I just don't think it's very fair that not only am I having to put things on hold, but Erich is as well, just because my mom has her own idea of when is a proper age to marry.

This is getting so frustrating. we DID have a date in mind, ages ago when we first got engaged (July 30, if anyone cares), but obviously that's not happening. The fact that I have no idea when we actually will get married seriously bums me out. I mean I know we're not going to fall apart and split up or anything, we have a very strong relationship...but I want to be able to call him my husband already. And well, the biological clock be tickin'...I want babies. Maybe not in the next couple of years, but definitely in the next five years. And at the rate we're going (let me rephrase: at the rate my mother is going, learning to accept the fact that we are getting married), I'll be fifty before I have kids. Ugh.